All I Ever Needed
by lemonjelly
Summary: COMPLETED. Carby or Luby? Carter and Luka are back from the Congo. "Christ, John. If I keep having to tell you how to fix our life then I might as well just date myself."
1. What I Left Behind

Hey everybody. I guess I haven't written a fanfic in a while – did ya miss me???? Heh heh, don't answer that. Well I've just got this thing, not really very good but oh well. This is set just as Carter comes back from his first ever time in the Congo and this time he didn't leave Luka behind. Enjoy and review it cos it'll make me happy. Wahey! LJ xXx  
  
Carter tried to keep the smile on his face as he sat on the side of her bed, but the smile began to fade and grow stale when she didn't return it and reached for her cigarettes instead. He watched her all the time while she slid one out of its packet, put it in her mouth and lit it. Then she faced him, smoke trailing from her down-turned lips with a hardened look of defiance, as though daring him to object. He didn't. She half-wished he would, though; the small talk was beginning to wear down. It felt forced and painful, talking so casually when she knew she had planned whole different arguments, scenarios and sharp, bitter comments to throw at him when he came back. She couldn't do it, though. The Carter she had expected to saunter through the door hadn't come. Maybe he didn't exist. Because here was one she couldn't hate, though she knew she had to.  
  
"Can I have my key back, please?" she asked casually, yet she couldn't meet his eyes to see his reaction. He took it out and hung it from his fingers to show her, though he couldn't bring himself to speak. It was impossible to even try to put into words how he felt. He dropped the keys on her dresser. Then he turned to walk out.  
  
"Abby - ?" he began, wondering where to go from there. She didn't reply – there wasn't much to say to that. He turned back and looked at her, digging his hands into the pockets of his jeans.  
  
"Is this - ?" he didn't want to say 'over'. It was too heavy a word – it ended everything. "I mean, what do you want me to do so we'll be okay again?"  
  
"You want me to tell you what I want you to do?" she repeated, incredulously.  
  
"Well not exactly. Just – sort of – say what you want to hear and I'll say it." He shrugged.  
  
"Christ, John. If I keep having to tell you how to fix our life then I might as well just date myself." She replied, sighing.  
  
"I'm sorry." He said, simply. Abby buried her head in the sheets for a while before looking up at him, exasperated.  
  
"Do you even know what for?" she asked him, eventually. He stood in thought for a moment and she sighed again. "No, I didn't think you would."  
  
"Well how am I meant to know if you won't tell me?" he demanded, getting slightly annoyed. Maybe it was the jetlag. Maybe it was Abby's cruel rejection. Maybe it was just him.  
  
"Do you want me to tell you everything?"  
  
"It would help."  
  
"Come on, John. Can't you figure anything out by yourself?" she got up out of bed, not wanting to argue looking up at him. She stood, wrapped in her duvet for warmth and she stared reproachfully at him. He looked back at her; the sight of her wrapped up in her duvet looked so cute he just wanted to laugh and kiss her – then she'd smile and everything would be okay. But it wouldn't work.  
  
"Not about you. You keep everything so locked up – you don't let me know anything."  
  
"Is that what you think? That I don't tell you anything? Then what is the point to all this if you don't know me at all?" she asked.  
  
"We can work things out. Just tell me – what's wrong?" his eyes stared, pleadingly. Abby wrapped herself tighter in the duvet and sat back down on the bed.  
  
"I don't want to fight with you, John."  
  
"Who's fighting? I'm not fighting. What have I done wrong, Abby?" She looked around at him, shoulders slumped and tired eyes.  
  
"Perhaps you shouldn't be asking me these questions." She spoke calmly and quietly and it seemed to silence everything.  
  
"Well, then who should I ask, Abby?" he snapped.  
  
"Yourself," she answered simply. Carter stared for a moment and looked away.  
  
Then he left.  
  
The door to her apartment didn't exactly slam shut, but the sound seemed so much louder now. Before, every noise she made in her empty apartment was muffled by the constant anger and bitterness pounding in her ears. But now he had come back and gone again she realised that it was all just loneliness. She lay back down in her bed and gazed at the ceiling with blank eyes. She didn't sleep that night.  
  
* * *  
  
Somehow, Carter thought as he wandered around his own equally empty apartment, somehow he had failed to pick up on something along the way. He stood still, staring into thick darkness and he asked himself the questions. What did he do wrong? How could he let it fall apart like this? He didn't need anybody to tell him how much he loved her; she had always been the person his mind remembered whenever he needed a little comfort or a little happiness in the bleak and desolate Congolese atmosphere. What he needed to do was to find out what went wrong. He had to retrace his footsteps, like when you lose something and go back to look for it. He had to go back to look for what he's lost, what he'd let pass him by. He had to go back to Kisangani. 


	2. What's Been On My Mind

Whoop, thanks for the reviews, CarByFoReVeR and gotluka'scookies – which is one pretty cool name you've got there :) LJ xXx  
  
* * * *  
  
Susan stood and watched as Abby sewed up a long gash down the side of a patient's head. She worked quickly and carefully, an expression of deep concentration on her face.  
  
"You're pretty good at this," Susan commented. Abby looked up, briefly and smiled.  
  
"Thanks." She replied, turning back to her work.  
  
"I remember when I was a med student, all those years ago," she grinned. "Man, you're making me feel old." Abby smiled again but said nothing.  
  
"Luka's back, you know." Susan continued. There was a short silence. "Is Carter?" Abby finished up and looked at Susan.  
  
"I don't know." She answered. Susan raised her eyebrows.  
  
"Didn't he come back?" she asked, surprised. Abby took off her gloves and stuffed them into an already overflowing bin.  
  
"Oh, he came back. I just don't know where he is." She frowned slightly. "I kind of sent him away."  
  
"Well, good for you. You need to find a guy who doesn't keep doing a disappearing act." Susan reassured her. Abby sighed and Susan looked at her, concerned. "What? You're not regretting it, are you?" Abby looked straight at her and smiled a grim smile. Susan rolled her eyes.  
  
"Abby, you're not going to do one of those 'I blame myself' things, are you?" she asked, suspiciously.  
  
"Well I sent him away again, for no real reason. And now I don't know where he is." Abby shrugged her shoulders. Susan studied her expression, a mix of worry and regret.  
  
"You're better off without him." She said, firmly. "And he'll come back, anyway. Probably just hiding out for a while – you know you're pretty scary when you're mad."  
  
"Thanks." Abby muttered. Susan laughed at her dark expression.  
  
"Oh come on, Abby. Smile. He'll come back."  
  
* * *  
  
But he didn't. And Abby worried – though she didn't want to. Why did he always make her worry? Why did she have to constantly care about him? It made life so much more difficult and though she didn't want to appear to care, she couldn't help but wonder where he was and if he was okay.  
  
She sat in the Doctor's Lounge at the table. Medical textbooks were piled up, surrounding her like some sort of fort.  
  
"Hey! You building something there?" Luka greeted, coming through the door. He half-laughed when he saw her face peering above the walls of books, checking to see who it was. She glared and stuck out her tongue at him.  
  
"I should've known it was you. This is not a laughing matter. It's a very serious amount of work." She told him, sternly.  
  
Luka poured himself a mug of coffee and leant against the worktop, watching her over the rim of his mug.  
  
"It does look pretty heavy-duty. You have my sympathy." He smiled and held up his coffee. "Want one?" Her face appeared again with a grateful expression.  
  
"That'd be great, thanks – it's kinda hard to climb out of this prison of books I seem to have built for myself."  
  
He grabbed another mug and poured her one. He turned back around to find her still craning her neck over the top and watching him.  
  
"What?" he asked, innocently. "I'm not going to spit in it or anything." He handed her the mug. "You look like some kind of meerkat when do that."  
  
She took the coffee and struggled to stop a broad smile spreading across her face.  
  
"Well, if it's a meerkat with a PhD, then why not?" She sipped the coffee and carried on writing notes and flicking through textbooks. She managed to work quietly for a few minutes before having to bring up an issue that had been occupying her brain for an overly long time.  
  
"Where's Carter?" she asked. Luka looked up, surprised.  
  
"I thought that you, of all people, would know that." He said, before seeing her slightly hurt expression.  
  
"Well, I don't." she replied, shortly.  
  
"Sorry." Luka shrugged. "Me neither." There was another silence.  
  
"Could you phone up somebody from your crazy French Alliance thing and ask them if he's gone back?" she said, in a small voice. She tried to make it sound like a passing comment, but it was too pleading, too helpless – everything she didn't want to be.  
  
"You think he would go back?" he asked. She leant her chin on the shortest pile of books and looked at him, exhausted and fed up.  
  
"I don't know, Luka. I really don't know." She sighed. "But I'd be really grateful if you checked." He nodded.  
  
"I'll check."  
  
* * *  
  
When Susan Lewis walked into the Doctor's Lounge at the end of a long day, she found Abby standing on a chair and peering down the back of the lockers, swearing and muttering to herself.  
  
"Wow, you've been working way too hard." Susan said with raised eyebrows. Abby turned and looked at her, hair falling over her face which was an expression of pure frustration.  
  
"I dropped a book," she explained, pointed down the back of the lockers. "Down there. I was trying to put them on top of the lockers, but, you know, it doesn't help being short – I have to just chuck them up there and they go everywhere and I'm pissed off." Susan smiled.  
  
"Hey, calm down. I'll give you a hand." She went to the offending locker and began to edge it away from the wall. "Can you get behind it?" Abby smiled at Susan, struggling with the weight of the locker.  
  
"You've only moved it an inch or two, Suze. I'm not that thin." Susan rolled her eyes and, under Abby's direction, began to shift it further back.  
  
"You know, I could be home by now." Susan complained as Abby reached behind the locker. "Home and happy and not carrying a locker."  
  
"Ok, ok – sorry. I've got it now." Abby grinned and held up the book, triumphantly.  
  
"Yay!" Susan cheered, raising both arms in the air. Abby opened her mouth to shout a warning but the locker fell and crashed to the floor. Susan flinched at the sound and then looked at the locker, lying on the floor.  
  
"Oh crap – I forgot." She muttered, before the two of them dissolved into giggles. After they both recovered, they lifted the locker together and pushed it back into place. The door of one of the lockers swung open and, as Abby closed it, a jacket fell out. She would've recognised it anywhere – Carter's. She looked at it for a while, and then picked it up to put back into his locker – the one they had been moving. Susan watched as Abby silently, sadly, put it back and as she did, a letter fluttered innocently from the pocket. They looked at it for a while. Then they looked at each other.  
  
"Should I - ?" Abby bent to pick it up. "It has my name on it." She turned over the envelope, where 'Dear Abby' was scrawled on. She felt her heart beat faster as she gazed fondly at his handwriting and then felt angry at herself for caring this much.  
  
"Well, if you do, tell me what it says." Susan chirped, with a smiled. Abby looked at her, biting her lip. She ran her finger under the seal at the back and began to slide the letter out. Then she stopped.  
  
"What?" Susan asked. Abby ran her tongue over her dry lips and stuffed the envelope into her coat pocket in a sudden, decisive moment.  
  
"I'll read it later." She told Susan, firmly. Then she pulled on her coat quickly and left. Susan stared after her, curiously as she stood in the dark, empty Doctor's Lounge. The dust began to settle comfortably over Carter's locker again, as though annoyed at being disturbed. 


	3. What I Never Told You

As Abby reached her front door, she was already starting to pull out her keys and the envelope, the corners of which were now curled and battered from the tense journey home which consisted of Abby constantly gripping the envelope to make sure it was still there. She turned it over and began to pull out the letter with one hand, whilst the other hand tried to blindly fit the key in the lock. So absorbed in this once forlorn and forgotten letter, she almost tripped and slid on the small pile of other unimportant post that lay on her doormat. She kicked them away absent- mindedly and felt for the light switch so she could read the letter.  
  
Standing under the light, her purse hanging limply and unimportant from her elbow, she unfolded the letter with hands that shook slightly. For a while, she stood still, just staring blurrily at his handwriting before she cursed herself for letting herself fall in love this badly and forced herself to read. What began as an eagerness to hear from him, gradually grew heavy and dragged like a dead weight in her heart. She slowly sat down on the edge of the sofa as she read the last line:  
  
"I guess the obvious thing is to end this – I know you'd think it pointless, carrying on with something that's already reached a dead end. It probably never would've worked and maybe we both already knew that. I'll see you soon. John."  
  
She didn't expect to feel this disappointed, this upset. She stared ahead of her at nothingness while she distractedly folded the letter up again. He said it all like it was so obvious and simple, yet it hadn't been like that when he came back. He had tried to make amends and she had sent him off again. It was like everything felt was mutual, but she realised now that it wasn't. Even if he felt all these things, she didn't – she wasn't ready to let go of him yet. And he was. So that was it then. As easy as that.  
  
Abby stood up and looked around her. The air in her flat felt heavy with sighs that had been there for weeks, ever since he first left. She walked over to shut the front door that had been left open in her eagerness to read the letter. She felt so stupid now, for getting so excited; judging from the date at the top, it had been written even before he had returned from the Congo. She sighed again, adding to the atmosphere. Did she really expect the letter to hold good news, considering the note they left on? Well, actually, yes. She did, with all the hope in her, expect good news.  
  
As she shut the front door, she picked up the mail she had kicked aside and leafed through it half-heartedly. Her eyes watched her hands flick through leaflets, bills and free magazines advertising everything on the earth until she saw something that made her drop all the others. After staring wistfully at it just moments before she was let down, she would remember his handwriting forever. Here it was now, scribbled on the back of a standard airline postcard – a quick explanation that could never really be long enough unless he was actually there in person. She read it quickly and found herself standing very still. Suddenly, she wasn't sure of anything anymore. She looked at the postcard, then at the folded up square of the previous letter. Then she grabbed her coat, locked up the flat and left.  
  
* * *  
  
The moment Susan answered the impatient knocking on her front door, Abby walked straight in; postcard in one hand, letter flapping in the other. She handed them both to Susan, who was fleetingly stunned by the sudden entrance but recovered and read them both obediently.  
  
"Abby – "she began, seeing her friend's strained and distressed expression.  
  
"It doesn't make sense, Susan." Abby interjected, in a higher voice then usual. "I don't know what I've done." This is exactly how he must've felt all along, she thought.  
  
"Abby, please, calm down just for a second. There's going to be a reason why he didn't send this letter." Susan spoke rationally.  
  
"Yeah," Abby muttered, bitterly. "Kind of hard to find a mail office in the Congo, I guess." Susan hugged her and then held her at arms length, both hands on her shoulders  
  
"Listen to me, Abby, if this was really what he felt, he would have sent it by any way he could – it would've reached you." Susan told her, gently. "But he didn't send it, we found it. It makes it so much more different. He loves you. That was what he said."  
  
"So what? Did you even read the whole thing? I've said all this stupid crap that has made him think god knows what and run off back to the Congo," she ran her hands through her hair in frustration and worry. "What if something happens to him? Or if he just never comes back because I've told him to go and do all this stuff that I don't even understand myself? Why the hell did I need to say anything at all?"  
  
"Abby –"Susan tried to stop her friend getting increasingly wound up, but Abby waved her words away and carried on.  
  
"Susan, I've done something really wrong. I've ruined everything." Abby looked at her with tears starting to gloss over her eyes; she was worried, over-worked, lonely and tired. She took back the letter and the postcard still in Susan's hands and then turned to leave.  
  
"Where are you going," Susan asked, suspiciously.  
  
"To my apartment," Abby answered. "To sit and wait." Susan shut the door and turned Abby around.  
  
"You'll never get any sleep. I want you to stay here, okay?" Susan led her to the sofa bed in her front room and sat Abby down on it. She hugged her. "Please, just try to calm down, Abby. This all will work itself out." Abby looked into Susan's deep, caring eyes and nodded.  
  
"Thanks." She mumbled and lay down on the bed, still in her coat and all her day clothes – too tired to change. "Thanks, Susan." Susan pulled a blanket over her and stroked her hair, softly.  
  
"No problem, hun," she murmured. "Goodnight." Then she pried the letter and postcard from Abby's hands and went to put them on the table, re- reading the postcard as she walked. She sighed and glanced at her sleeping friend before going off to bed herself.  
  
"I'm sorry, Abby.  
I guess you're right: I really don't know anything about fixing things, but I'm going back now – to the Congo. I don't know - maybe I'll realise something there that I didn't get before and maybe I'll come back to you and make everything up to you. I'm sorry for not yet knowing entirely what I'm sorry for. Maybe I'll come back and I'll know. And though I know that three words won't make any difference, I love you."  
  
He didn't even have to write his name – she would know who it was. And while Abby Lockhart slept on her best friend's sofa, the same one line floated through her dreams becoming nightmares: "Maybe I'll come back to you and make everything up to you," he whispered to her from some place she had never seen but hated for taking away everything she'd ever loved. He stood in the heat and the dirt and the chaos – Carter in the Congo – and his gaze was directed west. She smiled in her sleep and he smiled back, never too far away. "Maybe I'll come back to you, Abby" his voice rustled like the humid breeze through the dried and yellowing grass of Kisangani, but it reached her ears all the same. Maybe not, said her nightmare, maybe not. 


	4. What I Can't Escape From

iA/N: Wow, that last chapter was a little bit depressing – oh well, here's a little happiness to lighten the mood. And you deserve more happiness, you good little people, you. Thanks for reviews, Rae10 ? and CarbyForever – YAY! Read, review and be happy! Love LJ xXx/i  
  
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Luka smiled when he saw her in the Doctor's Lounge, sitting exactly as she had been before – head down and working, books piled up.  
  
"Did you even go home at all?" he asked her, cheekily. This time, she didn't even look up.  
  
"Hello Luka, you smartass." She greeted him, in a bored voice. He laughed and poured her a coffee as he made one for himself.  
  
"Here you go," he put it in front of her. She looked at it for a while and smiled at him.  
  
"Thanks, but no thanks," she said, sliding it back across the table. He raised his eyebrows.  
  
"Are you sure? I would've thought you'd need the caffeine boost." He looked at her, genuinely surprised and confused. She smiled slightly but said nothing.  
  
"Lots of work?" he asked, trying to start up a conversation.   
  
"Yep." she answered, flicking through a thick textbook on renal failure. He watched her for a while.  
  
"You thought right – Carter went back to the Congo," Luka told her, confronting the topic he had been trying unsuccessfully to ease into. She looked up, suddenly.  
  
"How did you know?" she demanded. He stared, momentarily startled at the sudden defensive response and blinked.  
  
"You asked me to call them up. Yesterday – remember?" he reminded her, slowly. "How did you know already?"   
  
"Oh, he sent me a postcard from the plane, which was nice of him – wish you were here and all that." She smiled a faint smile and rubbed her tired eyes. He glanced at a patch on arm when her sleeve lifted slightly.  
  
"You giving up smoking?" he nodded at the patch while he sipped his coffee. She lifted up her sleeve and looked at it, as if she herself had forgotten.  
  
"Oh. Yeah, I am." She responded, slightly dazed.  
  
"Why now? It can't help adding that to worry about, on top of all this work and everything," he gestured at the mountains of textbooks and she laughed slightly.  
  
"Yeah, it doesn't help. Perfect timing, right?" she grinned and went quickly back to work.  
  
***  
  
"So what movies did you rent in the end?" Susan called from somewhere in the apartment as Abby wrung the water out of her hair she had been washing over the sink and wrapped it in a towel.  
  
"I got Liar Liar, Pearl Harbour and Bridget Jones' Diary," Abby listed, rubbing her hair vigorously with the towel.   
  
"What was the first one again?" Susan appeared with a black garbage bag, halfway through taking out the trash.  
  
"Liar Liar. It's a brilliant film – really good casting." Abby told her, earnestly. "The actress in it is great."  
  
"Okay then," Susan began to empty the bathroom bin. "I don't see why you can't take out the trash sometimes – you practically live here, anyway."   
  
"I'll be gone soon, promise. And anyway, I don't do dirty work anymore – I'm a med student, now." Abby grinned with damp, ruffled hair.  
  
"Right, how could I forget," Susan smiled. "You hardly ever take off your white jacket."   
  
"Yeah well, it seems to give me more credibility. If I didn't wear it I'd still be your average slave in the ER. They'd still be asking me to sit around in triage and fetch them all sorts of crap." Abby turned to Susan, who had stopped listening and was just staring into the garbage bag. "Hey, are you ok?" Susan blinked and looked at her.  
  
"Huh?" she looked blank. Abby raised her eyebrows and took the bag from her.   
  
"Ok, fine. I'll take it out. Put one of the videos on," Abby called as she went outside. Susan shook herself and obediently picked out a movie.  
  
***  
  
"Want some coffee?" Susan offered, getting up from the sofa. Abby hesitated, shook her head and watched as Susan walked over to the kitchen.  
  
"No thanks. Hey, don't you want to see what happens in the end?" Abby asked turning away from the final scene of Pearl Harbour. Susan shrugged.  
  
"Why bother?" she answered as she put the kettle on. "Ben Affleck always seems survive in the end of all his movies by saving his own skin and then pretending he gives a damn about his friends. Which he doesn't." Abby turned back to the TV screen.  
  
"Yeah, but he's nice to look at." She replied as the movie ended and credits rolled. She reached for the remote and flicked channels as Susan came in with a mug of coffee.  
  
"Ooh, figure skating," Susan said with false enthusiasm as the remote switched to the World Figure Skating championships on some godforsaken channel. "Life doesn't get much sweeter than this." Abby chuckled at Susan's sarcastic remark.  
  
"Pretty weird though," Abby began, with a slightly dreamy look. "I had this dream last night that I was ice skating down a frozen up river and Luka was chasing me on a skidoo."  
  
"Ha! Skidoo." Susan snorted with laughter at the vision of Luka on a skidoo.  
  
"Yeah, I know. And then I skated off a waterfall and was falling when Luka jumped after me with a parachute and saved my life." she remembered with a smile.  
  
"What happened to the skidoo?" Susan asked, with a grin spreading across her face. Abby shrugged.  
  
"Do you reckon it means anything?" she wondered out loud.  
  
"What? Luka on a skidoo?"   
  
"Ok, Suze. Get over it." Abby told her, sternly. "No, I was thinking more about Luka saving my life."  
  
"God, I hope not," Susan said, a gravely serious expression replacing the smirk on her face. "Because I once had a dream that Romano saved my life with a parachute. I was skydiving with him when I couldn't reach the parachute cord and his arm flew off and pulled it for me." Abby looked at her and then burst out laughing.   
  
Susan grinned, "Seriously, it happened."   
  
But as she watched her friend laughing hysterically at the mental image, she couldn't help but think back to earlier as she took out the trash. She remembered Abby washing her hair in the sink. She remembered her talking about being a med student. And then she remembered her shock when she looked down at the contents of the bathroom trash can and saw a little white test stick with unmistakably blue lines, lying innocently at the top. 


	5. What Could've Been My Last

Hello again! Thanks for dropping by. Also thanks lots to: Carby6 - thanks for saying ya love it ( fairy-dust3 – I dunno where the image of Luka on a skidoo came from, I guess I just like the word skidoo, but I'm glad ya liked it. Also I like the happy Luka and him getting on with Abby; I think they'd make great friends. That's all for now, unless you would be so kind as to review for me (hint hint). Enjoy! Love LJ xXx  
  
* * * * * * *   
  
Susan glanced over at Abby while they sat at her kitchen table; she couldn't get the thought of her best friend being pregnant out of her mind. Her best friend being pregnant and not telling her. It had been six weeks since Susan had discovered the positive pregnancy test in the trash and since then, Abby had moved back to her own place, although most of her time was still spent at Susan's. Abby looked up and saw Susan watching her over the top of a magazine who then looked away turning slightly pink at being caught staring. Abby sighed and put down her pen.  
  
"Ok, Suze. This time you have to tell me what's up. This is about the millionth time you've been looking at me all weird," Abby smiled at her friend's guilty expression. "What's the matter?" Susan sighed and put down her magazine.  
  
"Ok, fine. I'll tell you, but you can't get mad at me – I found out by accident," Susan warned her.  
  
"Found out what?" Abby pressed. Susan ran her hand through her hair and took a deep breath.  
  
"Look, I know you're pregnant, okay?" she admitted. Abby mouth fell open and she stared back at Susan, stunned; she hadn't expected her to say that, of all things.  
  
"I'm sorry, I - "Susan added, hurriedly. Abby just gaped at her until she finally found her voice.  
  
"What gave me away?" she asked quietly, looking down at the table. "Was it the fact that I'm giving up smoking? The way I don't take caffeine anymore? Or could you tell I've been puking all morning?" Susan leant across the table and tried to get Abby to look up at her.  
  
"I found your test in the trash – ages ago." Susan told her, gently. "It's Carter's, isn't it?" Abby nodded. "Abby, why didn't you say anything?" She touched her friend's hand lightly but Abby pulled back like she had been burnt.  
  
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Guess I forgot." Abby answered briefly. She got up and headed to the bathroom. As she walked through Susan's room she stopped at the full length mirror, stood sideways and pulled her shirt back tightly to see if there was any difference.  
  
"Hey, is everything alright?" Susan appeared at her bedroom door. "It can't have just slipped your mind – these sorts of things are kind of hard to forget." Abby looked at her.  
  
"Yeah, no matter how hard you try to," she muttered. "But it's like another reminder – he's not here." Susan bit her lip.  
  
"Oh, honey. Come here," she murmured softly and drew Abby into a hug.  
  
"Tell me again, Susan." Abby mumbled into Susan's shoulder. "Tell me he'll come back soon." Susan stroked Abby's hair kindly and sighed.  
  
"He will. And you know, if he doesn't – he's the stupidest guy in the world." She whispered. The words didn't help much – Abby still cried into Susan's shirt, but it was such a relief, such a great comfort, to have someone to hug her while she wept.  
  
* * *  
  
They sat in their usual places in the Doctor's Lounge: Luka and Abby. He sat opposite her and drank his coffee while he gazed at her working hard and offered any help he could.  
  
"Sure you don't want any coffee?" he asked again and she shook her head. "How come you never drink it anymore? You must need it more now than ever." She looked up and smiled at him.  
  
"Luka, I'm pregnant." She confessed. He looked at her, surprised.  
  
"Carter's, right?" he verified. She laughed bitterly.  
  
"Who else?"  
  
She turned back to her work but he watched her more intently than ever this time.  
  
"You want to hear something that happened while we were out there in Kisangani?" Luka said, finally, breaking the silence. Abby put her elbows on the table and rested her head on her hand.  
  
"Yeah, okay," she agreed. He finished up his coffee in a gulp.  
  
"Well, alright – but this isn't meant to worry you – it's safer now," he cautioned her. "When we were there, rebel forces came to take over the town where we were helping out. They usually just come to raid the people of food and supplies, but this time they had got weapons and were angered by us – white and black people helping each other out – they don't seem to understand that it's all to help their people.  
"Anyway, they had guns and they were angry. It was pretty chaotic there – we were forced to our knees with guns to our foreheads, there were people screaming at each other, rebel soldiers yelling orders in French. It was kind of hard to keep your cool. For some reason, I looked over at Carter – I guess to check he was still alive. He was like us, kneeling in the dirt, hands behind his head and a gun pressed up against his skull. But he looked calm and he kind of had this lost look in his eyes, like he was staring straight ahead, but seeing something totally different. It might have been his last moments thought before a bullet went through his head, and he was thinking of you. He always used to look like that when he was thinking about you. Like he was somewhere else – like nothing that was happening to him mattered anymore."  
  
Abby stared, transfixed by his story. Then she shook herself and laughed self-consciously.  
  
"You're making it up," she said, curtly. He smiled at her as his pager went off and he stood up to leave.  
  
"Abby, I don't think I could," he replied honestly and then went out. She sat there, books around her lay forgotten. If Luka had come back in he would've seen that lost look of Carter's was now in the eyes of Abby – the same look she always had when she thought of him. 


	6. What I Miss The Most

            ****

**            Hello again! Thanks to britgirl2003 for the TWO reviews!!! TWO WHOLE REVIEWS FOR ME!! No seriously, thanks. A skidoo is a kinda snowmobile, by the way. Read on, people – this one is just Carter in the ****Congo****. Please review it, if ya can. Enjoy. Love LJ xXx**

            The atmosphere in the Congo is very different to that of any other place on Earth. Dr. John Carter, M.D., unshaven, grubby, sat on the wooden veranda steps of a hut that served as a hospital. He batted mosquitoes away and smiled to himself as he imagined Weaver's face if she had come here and seen the replacement ER for the Congo and its slowly rotting beams. This was a place where all that mattered was helping people and, for simply being able to bandage a broken leg or suture a cut, he got huge amounts of gratitude and respect. Yet, somehow, it all meant nothing – he had no respect for himself. 

            He plugged in his MP3 player and let it randomly pick a song for him to listen to while he stared out into empty bleakness, gazing at something that wasn't there – just lonely, faded memories of her. His earphones began to play R.E.M.'s 'The Apologist'. 

            _You know at first it really hurt. We joke about these things._

_            I've skirted all my differences, but now I'm facing up._

_            I wanted to apologize for everything I was._

_            So, I'm sorry, so sorry..._ __

            A smile rose faintly on his face and lit his eyes – the CD that this song came from belonged to Abby – he had taken it and transferred it. It reminded him of her, but then, everything seemed to remind him of her. It was like he couldn't get her out of his mind and he would long for moments of peace like this when he could just sit and think. He came to the Congo to get away from everything – to sort things out and work out how everything had gone wrong. He hadn't been very successful – he was still clueless about everything. Maybe Abby was onto something – what was the point in all of this if he didn't know her at all? 

            _I'm good, all is good, all's well, no complaints._

_            When I feel regret, I get down on me knees and pray._

_            I'm sorry, so sorry... _

            Frowning, he tried to work out what the date was – how long exactly had he been away from her. As he glanced about the same old surroundings, sunk in shadows before the Congolese dawn, he realised with some shock that it was Christmas. He had been away for five whole months. He gazed in wonder at this world completely untouched by the typical commercialised festival but the realisation brought with it an aching yearning – it was Christmas Day and he wasn't with the only person he had ever wanted to be with. 

            _I live a simple life, unfettered by complex sweets._

_            You think this isn't me? Don't be weak._ __

_            There I go._

_            I'm so sorry._

            Did he really feel that? It was true, there was only one person in the whole world he wanted to be with – and it wasn't just on Christmas; everyday. He remembered last Christmas spent at Susan's. It was just so relaxed and normal – if he had known that a year from then he would be sitting on decaying planks of wood, in blistering heat, with his only comfort being fast-fading memories – well, then he would have hung onto her and never let go. And he would have found it in himself to get down on one knee and ask her like he always wanted to. Ask her and keep her forever. Ask her: will you marry me? 

            _Thank you for being there for me._

_            Thank you for listening, goodbye._

_            I can forfeit selfishness_

_            I hope that you can apply_

_            This happiness_

_            This peacefulness_

_            I'm sorry, so sorry..._ __

            So why didn't he? Why the hell didn't he? He asked himself the questions just like she had said – he'd do anything she said because he loved her. And he told her. But that wasn't enough because the words were so overused – people said it when they didn't mean it. Maybe he didn't know her at all. And maybe there was no point in their relationship. And maybe she had felt this all along. But it didn't feel right. If he wasn't meant to be with her forever then why did he miss her more than anything? 

            _I live a simple life_

_            Unfettered by complex sweets._

_            You think this isn't me?_

_            That's so sweet._

_            I'm so sorry._

            He missed her. It was as simple as that. Out of all the things he could have missed – basic luxuries that he was spoilt enough to take for granted in Chicago – out of everything – electricity, air conditioning, basic medical supplies – there was just one thing he knew he prayed for more than anything; the hardest to get. He missed her. Had it taken all this just to realise that? Did it take travelling thousands of miles to Africa to realise that there was just one thing in his life that made it brighter than anything. 

He missed Abby. 

And he was going to go home. 


	7. What I Thought I Saw

**            Hmm, who do I need to thank for reviews again – erm –**

**             Britgirl (again) ****J**** thanks for the review, very much appreciated. **

**            ALSO, starbright – thanks for the review and thanks even more for helping me work out how to make my writing italic, bold etc – it was very nice of you to put up with my incompetence with these sorts of things. **

**            The same goes to Nette (thanks plenty!) who helped me with the same problem – I really am quite useless. **

**             Well that's it, I think – so, read and review as normal and Enjoy! Love LJ xXx**

**            PS. As a plug for the other authors I have mentioned in my thanks: THEY ARE ALL VERY GOOD – really they are – so check them out!**

**            That's all now – LJ xXx**

            Abby twirled the phone cord around her finger, absentmindedly while she listened to Susan on the other end of the phone line.

            "You have to come. It would just suck, sitting at home on Christmas," Susan insisted.

            "Just like any other day, really," Abby answered, dully. She heard Susan sigh.

            "Oh come on, it's Christmas – and it won't be the same without you," Susan urged.

            "But Susan – " Abby began.

            "Wait," she interrupted. "I have thought of all the excuses you could use and reasons why they're not good enough, so I'm warning you."

            "I'm five months pregnant,"

            "You don't have to drink – not everyone will be drinking anyway."

            "I've nothing to wear."

            "You're lying – don't think I haven't seen your wardrobe."

            "I don't have time."

            "Ha – what other plans did you have?"

            "Carter won't be there," Abby spoke quietly. There was a short silence.

            "That's not even a real excuse," Susan replied, finally, in a bright voice. "Please, Abby? You shouldn't be moping over Carter."

            "I'm not moping," she protested indignantly.

            "Then you can come then?" Susan chirped. She carried on talking loudly so she couldn't hear Abby objecting. "Great, I'll see you there. It's Jing-Mei's place at 7." 

Then she hung up. Abby smiled slightly at Susan's persuasiveness and replaced the phone on the receiver. After all that, she probably should go – it wouldn't be the same without Carter, though.

*           *           *

Carter stepped out of the airport and stood, revelling in this long-forgotten, snowy world. The sheer idea of snow to the Congolese people would have been absurd and yet, here he was. Just a lot of phone calls and bribery and he was standing on familiar turf wondering where to go from here. He hailed a cab but got off several blocks from both his and Abby's places. Perhaps it would be better if he just walked for a while – clear his head and work things out. He smiled as he trod carefully along the slippery sidewalks – in no time at all he would see her and he couldn't wait.

*           *           *

            Abby stepped out of her front door and locked it up. She squinted out of the window at the snow and felt glad she was wrapped up in her coat. She left the building and headed towards Jing-Mei's place, with snow beginning to settle on her shoulders like the dread settling in her stomach. She wasn't looking forwards to tonight – as much as she tried to act optimistic, this was yet another reminder of everything missing from her life right now. It was already Christmas – Carter had been gone for, well, she only needed to check how long she'd been pregnant for and she had an answer. She sighed, watching the breath escape her mouth and hang in front of her in a misty cloud. When would he be back?

            She was nearing Jing-Mei's apartment now – she'd better put on a smile for everyone, she didn't want to let anybody down by being miserable, especially since everyone had been so good to her. Jing-Mei and Susan had been great friends and a great help. And Luka. Luka probably helped her the most, he always seemed to be there for her and it helped that he knew about life in the Congo. 

            Daydreaming, she crossed the street. Suddenly her feet hit a patch of black ice. Panic rose in her as she tried to keep her balance, but she found herself slipping, skidding, falling – 

            "Watch out," Luka grabbed her just in time. Abby looked up at him, feeling dazed and wondering why she hadn't hit the floor. Then she realised and blushed bright red.

            "Thanks," she buried her face in his shoulder, trying to hide her embarrassment. "Did you just appear out of nowhere?" He grinned.

            "I was kind of walking behind you when I saw you slip. You wouldn't want to take a fall like that," he told her. "Especially in your condition and everything."

            Carter rounded the corner, thinking wistfully of Abby. But he hadn't anticipated this: just a few streets down – Luka stood in the snowy road, holding Abby who was gazing up at him – like a picturesque, romantic scene from some sugary movie. Carter stood in shock and then, when she drew back, he saw. She was pregnant, too. They hadn't seen him. He turned and walked, briskly back the way he came. Of all things. Luka and Abby. He should've guessed. Maybe he didn't want to think about it. How long had he been away? Too long. He shouldn't have left.

            He carried on walking quickly and felt bitter disappointment filling his eyes with tears. Luka was there for her when she wasn't. Luka could give her everything he had failed to. He hoped she'd be happy; happy with Luka and a new baby. But he couldn't help but feel – crushed. 


	8. What I Tried To Hide

            **MORE THANKYOU'S TO REVIEWS!! You're fantastic.**

**            Carby6 (yes, carby is the way to go)**

**            Duckygirl (v cool name – there are some random ducks living in my school right now. Ok, so that's kinda random, but it's true. And very cool)**

**            Starbright (look! It's in bold!! Aren't you proud of me??? … No really)**

**            Caitlin015 (yes, it is going to turn out like you hope. Probably)**

**            Rae10 (esteemed fictionpress writer. Go to: )**

**            And I have to mention in a category of her own:**

**            Britgirl2003 – heh heh, you're just the coolest – thanks very much for being so… gushing. You're very kind.**

**            Anyway, so Chapter Eight of Twelve – here it is. Enjoy. Love LJ xXx**

**Summary of C7: Carter comes back from ****Congo****. Abby makes her way to xmas party at Chen's. She slips in ice but Luka catches her. Carter sees Luka holding her and thinks         they are together.**

            Susan Lewis walked briskly down the frosty sidewalks, head down and hands in pockets. Glancing at her watch, she wondered anxiously if Abby would turn up at all. She hoped she would – it couldn't be doing her any good to be so upset the whole time. She was so absorbed in thinking about her friend that she walked straight into a person hurrying off in the opposite direction.

            "I'm so sorry," she apologised, hurriedly. The figure shrugged it off and walked on. "Merry Christmas," she called after them.

       "Merry Christmas," the person mumbled. Susan stopped dead.

       "Carter?" she asked dubiously. The man stopped, too and he turned around. 

            "Hi, Susan," Carter smiled weakly. Susan stared wordlessly at him for a while, before finding her voice.

            "Hi," she greeted, with raised eyebrows. "So – are you coming to Jing-Mei's house? She's having us all over for Christmas,"

       "I don't think it would be – " he began, awkwardly.

       "Abby will be there," Susan added. He nodded.

            "Yeah, I know. I should've seen that coming," he muttered as Susan watched him, curiously. "Listen – I have to go. Abby seems to be doing fine without me."

            "What?" Susan asked in incredulity. "What do you mean by that? Carter, look, it's alright if you don't want to come now but you have to go see her sometime – there are things that need sorting out."

            "I know – I saw them earlier," Carter sighed, looking down at his feet. "Maybe not now – another time."

            "Ok then, but please say you'll come back soon," Susan begged. "You have no idea how much she's missed you." Carter, who had begun to walk away, laughed suddenly and cynically.

            "Sure," he answered. "Well, have a good Christmas, Susan." 

            "You too, Carter," she watched him walk away wondering if she would ever see him again. Then she turned and walked on to her friend's apartment and a Christmas party. 

            Carter walked back to his place, slowly dragging his feet. Happy Christmas, John Carter. He stared out towards the river with empty eyes – he shouldn't have been so naïve to think that she wouldn't stray. It's not like they left on the best of terms and it's not like he had ever been there for her when she needed him. And now she and Luka. He could see it now – happily married with kids. He had missed his chance.

*           *           *

            It was only ten o'clock when Abby got her coat and announced she was leaving.

            "Already?" Jing-Mei asked, surprised. "Stay a little longer, Abby – go on," Abby only smiled slightly and carried on putting on her coat.

            "I've got to work tomorrow morning," she reasoned.

            "So do I," Jing-Mei retaliated. She held up an emptied glass of wine. "And it's not stopping me. Come on, Abby."

            "I'm sorry," Abby added. "Have a good party – Happy Christmas." And she left, quietly and discreetly.

             As she was walking down the hall, she heard a shout.

            "Hey," Luka called and came jogging down to meet her. "Going so soon?" Abby shrugged.

            "I'm working all day tomorrow."

            "You work too hard," he told her. She laughed and looked at the floor.

            "Well – I need the cash,"

            "And you need to take your mind off everything else that you'd rather not think about," he nodded and she raised her eyebrows – how did he know? "That's why you don't want to stay, isn't it? Because everything reminds you of how it should be but isn't. But you came anyway, because if you made out that you were moving on then you might trick yourself into thinking that you really have. And you haven't, have you?" She stared at him and bit her lip.

            "No," she answered, quietly. He took both her hands and held them.

            "You won't ever get over him, will you?" he asked, sighing.

            "I can't."

            "It's alright. I get it," Luka murmured. He pulled her into a tight hug and, while everyone inside Jing-Mei's flat raised their glasses to a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, there were just two standing in the hall – one holding the other like he never wanted to let go while she closed her tired eyes and buried her face in his sweater. 


	9. What I Woke To Find

            **As ever many thanks to the reviewers:**

**            Rae10 – I've already plugged your fictionpress page but I'll PLUG IT AGAIN!!!: ) its very good**

**            Starbright and carby6 – just thanks for reviews, always happy to get 'em**

**            Britgirl – yes only 12 chapters I'm afraid, but this way it isn't so long that everyone gets bored…hopefully. And luka is just a nice guy, he's cool, I like him.**

**            Dynamitedawn/miss dynamite – yes it will probably be what you said. I'm just that kinda person…**

**            So anyways, here is chapter 9/12 and r&r if ya feel like it (am open to constructive critism or anything really…) Enjoy Love LJ xXx**

            All day Boxing Day, John Carter sat; head in hands and deep in thought. There were indeed, like Susan had said, things that needed sorting out. He just couldn't bring himself to go in and see her. Not right away, not yet. He wandered around his flat – dusty from months being abandoned. He never should have left, he knew it now. It was so stupid. He ran away from confrontation and problems he didn't understand. He deserved this. He deserved losing her – he didn't deserve her. It was late evening before he found the courage to leave his flat and head to his old workplace. It was already dark outside and he trudged along the snow-covered ground, feeling more apprehensive with every step. He had to face this now, he had to explain, say sorry and leave.

            As he walked reluctantly into the ER, he found himself face-to-face with Luka collecting charts at the front desk. It wasn't a great start.

            "Carter?" Luka stared with raised eyebrows.

            "Hi Luka," he greeted. "Do you know where Abby is?" There was a kind of resignation in his voice.

            "In the Lounge," Luka answered and watched him make his way to the Lounge. 

            Carter pushed open the door, blinking a few times to get his eyes adjusted to the dim light. She was asleep at the table, her head resting on a heavy textbook. He stood for a while before taking the seat opposite her. It was silent inside the room and he could hear her soft breathing as she slept. He just sat and gazed at her. 

            How could he begin to wake her up and tell her all these things? She was working herself too hard but she was finally happy. She looked peaceful. What was he thinking? That he could just awaken her and confront her with all the things they needed to sort out? What was there to sort out, anyway? She had Luka. They were going to have a baby together and they were going to be happy. Happy – that was something he never made her. All he ever did was hurt her and leave her, just when they needed to stay together. And they had needed to stay together when he left to go back to the Congo. He didn't belong here.

            He pulled a scrap piece of paper from her notebook and wondered how he could put all that into words. He couldn't stay here – he would only make everything worse. With heavy regret sinking in his stomach, he scribbled a message and put it beside her head. Then he leant forwards and kissed her hair.

            "Goodbye Abby," he whispered. She stirred but didn't wake up. He left her to sleep on in the darkened, empty room.

            Abby Lockhart sat at her table; her head cushioned on a particularly boring textbook and dreamt of coffee and cigarettes. Was it wrong that these things haunted her in her sleep? She didn't really care, she was so tired. The dream began to echo her past. She sat on the bench outside the hospital and stared around her at snow-covered Chicago. She dragged on a cigarette and smiled at him as he strolled up to her with a take-out coffee. 

            "Thanks," she took it from him, cradling the warm paper cup in her cold hands. "Your shift over then?" He nodded. "I'll see you later then." He smiled and kissed her hair.

            "Goodbye Abby," he whispered. She remembered that, that whisper and that kiss, so vividly it could have been real and not just a memory. She watched him leave. See, that was the difference. When she watched him walk away that day – a whole year ago from now – she knew she'd see him again. But she wasn't sure of anything now. 

            She slept on.

            Somewhere outside her dream, in the real world, an ambulance siren wailed and she reached up her hand to rub her tired eyes open. She sat up, blearily, massaging her neck. She'd never fall asleep like that again – it really hurt. And then she saw it. The little note scrawled on the paper beside her. She rubbed her eyes again, disbelieving. It was still there. Was he here? Where was he? He had come back – he was home. She felt the thrill surge in her and then she read the note.

            _I didn't want to wake you_

            She read it and re-read it. Was that all? She turned the paper over – nothing.

            "Oh god," she muttered. She ran out of the Lounge, searching wildly for him – nothing. 

            She raced outside into the bitter cold and stared, frantically around her – nothing.

            "Abby?" Susan called running along the sidewalk towards her. "What are you doing out here? It's freezing." Abby just looked at her, blankly. Then she walked towards her, into her open arms and sobbed. Susan led her gently back inside and Abby carried on crying, tears running down onto the note clamped in her hand making the ink run. Still, she held onto the damp, illegible note – held on like it was all she'd ever have. __


	10. What I Should've Realised

**As always here are the Thankyou's etc that all you good little reviewers fully deserve:**

**            starbright: Thanks. It seems everyone wants it to turn out like that, as a Carby, and it will because I prefer that, too.**

**            Hibbs: Thanks for the eventual review :) ****London**** Rain is a v good fic by the way (plug plug plug)**

**            Carby6: Thanks for your enthusiasm! Yay!**

**            dynamite dawn: Thanks for the review (go check out her fic, too. It's also v good)**

**            Well this is Chapter Ten – it's nearly all over. This one goes a tiny bit backwards in time from the last one, just so you know. Enjoy. Love LJ xXx**

            "Carter's back," Luka told Susan as she came in to start her shift.

            "I know, I saw him yesterday. Is he here right now?" she asked. Luka nodded to the Lounge door. Susan raised her eyebrows and bit her lip. 

            "I'm glad," Luka admitted. "I'm glad he's back – I was starting to worry." Susan smiled kindly at him.

            "Me too," she agreed. The Lounge door creaked open. Carter walked through and walked out. 

            "Carter?" Luka called after him. Carter ignored him and walked out of the ER, his eyes fixed on the floor. Luka and Susan looked at each other, anxious and confused. 

            "Carter?" Susan shouted. Luka nudged her.

            "Go after him." He urged her. "Go after him." She nodded and dashed after. The Carter-shaped figure crossed the street and she sprinted down the other side, slipping and skidding but not really caring.

            "Carter! Carter, where the hell are you going?" she yelled. People on the street stopped and stared. She didn't care about that either. "For God's sakes, Carter, you asshole." He stopped and turned, slightly shocked. Susan slid to a halt on the opposite sidewalk and stood, glaring at him.

            "Abby's got Luka. And they're happy and they're a family," he hollered at her. She stared, momentarily stunned.

            "What the hell are you talking about?" she yelled back across the roofs of cars driving past.

            "I shouldn't have expected her to not move on after I left. Luka and she had a history," 

            "Move on? What? You think she and Lu-? Jesus, Carter – you're more deluded than I thought you were."

            "Huh?"

            "You think she and Luka got back together? Carter, she's missed you more than anything. She'd never do that. How long were you away?"

            "Erm – " Carter thought for a while. "About five months I guess." 

            "Right then – how long would you like to guess Abby's been pregnant for?"

            Carter's arms fell to his sides. How come he didn't see this before?

            "About five months?" he suggested, weakly. Susan shot a withering look at him.

            "That's right, jerk." She snapped. He looked hurt. Susan sighed and softened – he was so confused, poor guy. She crossed the street and put her hand on his shoulder.

            "I – I didn't realise." He stuttered. 

            "You should've, honey. You _are_ a doctor, after all," she smiled, sympathetically. "All Luka has ever been to her is a good friend while you've been away." 

            "I'm sorry," he mumbled, ashamed.

            "I think you're telling that to the wrong person, Carter." Susan told him, gently. "You can still make it up to her. And you damn well better or you'll have me to answer to." Carter looked at her and smiled. 

            "Abby's pregnant with my kid," he murmured, slightly in awe of it all. 

            "Yeah, and she sure as hell wouldn't have wanted you to find out this way." Susan sighed. "I think you'd better go and sort this out."

*           *           *

            A few minutes later, Susan was heading back to the ER alone to begin her shift ten minutes late. It didn't matter, Weaver could yell at her all she liked – that didn't matter. It was then that she saw Abby standing out in the sub-zero winter looking distraught. 

            "Abby?" Susan called and raced down the street towards her. "What are you doing out here? It's freezing." And as Abby cried in her arms, Susan hoped Carter was going to make it up to her in a seriously significant way. 


	11. What Was Waiting For Me

            **This one, the penultimate chapter, also jumps around in time a bit – but only nearing the end :) The usual thanks then:**

**            Carby6**

**            Starbright**

**            Matchstickgirl – thanks to all of you three for reviews. Any reviews are great so thank you very much indeed.**

**            JanBry – No problem that it's "late". Good reviews can never be too late so thank you for that. I'm glad you liked the whole 'looks they have when thinking of each other' thing. Thought it sounded kinda sweet…**

**            Britgirl – YES! The yelling across the road thing was fun, I found it fun to write (is that sad?) it's just that I could really see it clearly in my head. Thankyou for your review, I think you are succeeding in giving me my most number of reviews. Thank you plenty.**

**            So anyway – on with the story, it's almost all over. Enjoy! Love LJ xXx**

            "It's ok, it's ok," Susan soothed as she led Abby back inside and into the empty Lounge.

            "What is it?" Luka asked, following them hurriedly before he was caught and kept overtime. 

            "He came back," Abby explained between sobs. "And he's gone. Again. I didn't even see him – but he must have seen me. And he must've not cared." She dug her face into Susan's coat and carried on crying.

            "What happened, Susan?" Luka murmured, over Abby head. Susan smiled, grimly and rubbed her friend's back.

            "It'll be alright," she replied, to both of them. "Look, Abby. I think you should go home and relax – you've worked too hard, you're tired and you're obviously upset. I'll take you home, right now, okay?" She felt Abby nod and Susan helped her to her feet. Luka grabbed Abby's coat off the back of her chair and draped it around her as they left the Lounge.

            "Kovac, where do you think you're going?" Kerry Weaver's unsympathetic voice sounded from around the corner then Weaver, herself, hobbled into view and stood glaring at the tall Croatian. 

            "Home – my shift is over, Kerry." He told her, simply.

            "Well, change of plan, you're staying. There's an MVA coming in," she snapped. Luka looked at Susan and Abby, and then at the glowering Kerry Weaver, hesitantly. 

            "Forget it, I'll stay – my shift started ten minutes ago anyway," Susan sighed and reluctantly left Abby's side. Weaver glanced at her watch.

            "Good, you can stay an extra ten minutes afterwards, too," she barked and marched off. Susan rolled her eyes.

            "God, someone needs to up her morphine," she muttered, darkly before turning to Luka and Abby. "Will you walk her home then, Luka?"

            "Of course,"

            Susan smiled at him and hugged Abby. 

            "Cheer up, honey," she whispered before grabbing a chart and leaving. Luka put his arm around Abby and walked out into the bitterly cold winter.

            "Let's take you home," he murmured and wrapped her coat more tightly around her as the pair of them headed home, fighting the elements in mutual silence. They reached her building and he pushed open the door to allow her in first, escaping the chilling wind and heavy sleet. He looked at her, standing in the middle of the dimly lit entrance with her wet hair and clothes plastered to her skin, as though he was seeing her for the first time. She sneezed suddenly and he smiled.

            "Lovely weather," he commented. His voice echoed through the empty building and felt too loud. He spoke again in a whisper: "How are you feeling?" She breathed a laugh.

            "Cold." 

            Luka grinned. "Me too,"  He shook his head violently, sending water droplets flying from his hair. She smiled and took his hand. 

            "Come up with me," she led him up the stairs to her apartment. "As a friend, as my friend," she added. "Is that okay?"

            "Of course," he answered, but all the same, his heart pounded furiously as he climbed the stairs after her.

*           *           *

            "She got back okay, then?" Susan asked him when he returned to the ER, minutes later.

            "Yeah," he replied, quietly. She leant over the admin desk and looked at him. Luka noticed her watching and forced a smile.

            "You okay?" she spoke softly. He ran his hands through his damp hair and tapped his fingers on the desk for a while before answering.

            "Yes," he said, firmly and decidedly. "Yes, I am." 

            "Good," Susan rubbed his arm, understandingly. She looked at her watch. "Well, I'm off." She grabbed her coat and flung her scarf around her neck. 

            "Hey, Susan," Luka began, digging his hands into his coat pockets, awkwardly. "You want to go and get some coffee or something?" Susan smiled as she tugged a pair of gloves on and she shrugged.

            "Sure, why not?" 

*           *           *

            Luka had followed Abby up the stairs until they came to her door. Abby took out her keys and put them in the lock as Luka watched. Then, before she opened the door, he kissed her quickly. She looked at him, stunned for a moment.

            "As a friend," he added, hastily. "Honest." Abby swung her front door open and flicked on the light. Carter was standing in the middle of her living room.

            "Hi, Abby," Carter greeted, sheepishly. 

            "Bye, Abby." Luka had whispered, leaving her in shock as he slipped away. He had guessed Carter would be there – he was resigned to the fact that that's how it would always be. He pulled his thick coat closer around him and strode back to County General.


	12. What Will Always Be

**            So here it is, here is the end. Thanks to everyone who has ever reviewed and who will review this one (cos ya will, right?) and also, from C11,  to:**

**            Britgirl2003 – you want it to be luby? I'm sorry… but thankyou very very much for all the reviews you gave – very grateful**

**            Squiggle7 and Carby6 – thanks for the encouragement – let's see how much more cheesy I can make these thankyou's…**

**            Rae10 – who has a very good fictionpress page that I recommend you check out, the link to it may be back a few chapters**

**            Anyway, so this is the final part of All I Ever Needed, thanks lots and Enjoy! Love LJ xXx**

**            Ps. Check out an up and coming fanfic – Beyond All Of Everything**

            Abby was in shock. Everything suddenly seemed so distant and hazy except for him standing in the middle of the room, trying to look her in the eye. She recalled Luka's quiet farewell and she remembered the front door shutting softly behind her – all as a faint memory. The room spun and she gulped for air – remembering, finally, to breathe.

            "Hey," she greeted, back. She frowned in thought. "Erm – how did you, I mean, I thought you – " she gestured at the door, confusedly.

            "Susan gave me the spare key – " Carter dangled it from his fingers just like he had done with his own set of keys. "I hope you don't mind," he added.

            "Oh, no – not at all," she waved her hand vaguely.

            "Good,"

            It seemed strange – this tense and overly polite conversation they were having while they stood in the dark living room, her hair still dripping and her eyes still red.

            "How was your flight?" she heard herself say and then took a step back, wondering what had possessed her to say that. He nodded courteously.

            "It was good, thank you," Carter answered. He shook himself – was it really him saying all this? "So – you're pregnant, then."

            "Uh – yeah, that's right," she nodded slowly. There was a long and awkward pause. The rainwater dripped off her hair and splattered loudly on the floor, just to accentuate the silence. Carter's leg jerked, suddenly, as though he began to take a step towards her but thought better of it. He laughed, sharply and uncertainly as he rubbed the back of his neck. Then:

            "Forgive me," he blurted, suddenly.

            "What?" Abby asked. He bit his lip and rubbed his eyes.

            "Erm – I didn't mean it like – erm – right," he squinted into the dark, chewing furiously on his bottom lip. "Listen – I, I know this isn't enough, but I just, I just need to sort this out. I'm sorry, Abby. I'm so sorry and –" His eyebrows knitted together as he searched his mind for the rest of his apology. There was so much he had to say – where had it all gone?

            "Look, it doesn't matter," Abby told him, hurriedly. "It doesn't matter, John." He looked up at her with a pained expression.

            "No, it does. It really does, Abby," he answered, "because I owe it to you. And because all I ever do to you is let you down. I hurt you and let you down."

            Abby walked to him, instead, and she turned his face to hers. He looked deep into her eyes and all he found was forgiveness. He couldn't take it; he looked away.

            "It's okay, John," she insisted.

            "How can you say this?" he asked, shaking his head. "How can you forgive me just like that? I let you down – all the time."

            She shrugged and smiled slightly. "Well – not _all_ the time."

            "All I do is let you down. And leave. I leave the whole time, too. Just when we need to stay together and sort things out, I run away. I leave you, when I need to stay. I jump on a plane to the Congo. Just when we have to stand by each other."

            "But you come back – you _came_ back,"

            "That's hardly enough,"

            "It's enough for me,"

            "I went off because I didn't understand. I had to try and work out what happened between us. I should have stayed."

            "You came back," she repeated, softly. She took hold of his hands.

            "And I thought I could go off and find all those fabled things that money couldn't buy and I didn't get it – I found nothing." He looked down at his hands in hers and then straight at her. "I was looking for all these things in all the wrong places. I didn't see it then – I had it all already. And I had found them all in you,"

            "John – "

            "I'll make it up to you – I promise," he let his hands, still entwined with her own, fall upon her pregnant stomach and he whispered, sadly: "I've missed out on so much; I should never have left."

            "But you came back. We've been through a whole lot – but you've come back, even after it all," she maintained with a smile.

             Then, at last, he kissed her. When they drew apart, a tear rolled down Abby's cheek. She wiped it away and saw it had fallen from his shining eyes. He smiled slightly, despite the tears blurring his vision.

            "I'll always come back."

            There's a couple and they stand in a darkened room. Rain and tears drip to form tiny puddles on the living room floor but it all doesn't matter now; they don't really notice. They stand, hand in hand and as they kiss, they know – things will be okay. They have each other now and, as it turns out, it was all they ever needed.

_Thanks_

_Love LJ xXx_


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